weird bus ride dream. i suppose it makes sense - two bus trips in as many weeks back and forth and all....
i cannot figure out quite, whether my mother/parents has just decided to drop commenting about it, or whether we have after a few rounds of 'are things better?' 'yes, sure' gone back to See What You Want To See mode in regards to my eating disorder. It has worked so well for us for so long, after all...
speaking of which, woke up to wash dishes i fell asleep before washing last night. could barely keep standing long enough to do so. Always fun, things like that. Trying to make myself eat something, a luna bar, before going back to sleep. Taking ages, since all my back teeth decided to be super sensitive/hurt to use right now.
mother had her gallstone surgery today, it went ok in general though they are keeping her in hospital overnight.
she tasked me, when i spoke to her, with calling three of her employers to let them know how she is.
holy shit awkward phone time, 1/3 over with and i cant even procrastinate because need to go to dentist for fun root canal times.
I FUCKING HATE PHONE CALLS WITH PEOPLE I BARELY KNOW.
really dont have the stamina for doing this shit anymore. and yet i do. self destructive indeed.
probably doesn't help that fucked up sleep schedule plus no motivation = haven't been properly taking any of my meds either.
idle suicidal thoughts, trying to ignore. ladeeda.
so...certain things I long suspected I was...on some level incapable of feeling....
starting to realize I might have been, well, wrong. a bit disconcerting, that. and overwhelming in a way...
going to work with ma tomorrow is the plan. sleep deprived times likely.
also fun in the sense of, lets guess how much of what i've eaten in last two days has not been puked, ha.
but eh, it'll be fine. caffeine, adderall is the plan. have hardly been taking my meds, especially that, due to not having been able to refill due to not seeing shrink. which is likely exacerbating current eating issues quite, but well.
deal with what you have to work with and all that.
Phase sleep is definitely the new status quo is seems.
And I resorting to eating in between bits of sleep in effort to ensure actually digesting something useful, come to a realization.
In further example of drive me nuts soy yogurt conspiracy, neither whole foods nor the shoprite any longer seem to carry the one edible brand around these days, silk. no idea why so easy to find in DC/Maryland and so impossible in NY but well. There's enough in freezer that i wasn't worried, but if I stay too long past my intended time of staying here...well.
I'll live no doubt, but, in the wider context of my eating here...I will so not be surprised if this ends with me quite literally living off of coffee and luna bars only one way or another...
whatever, need to stop whining so. ive survived on less before if it comes to that. will see.
home home home.
mother in constant pain, intense, makes my intermittent tooth pain seem not that big a deal at all.
did not end up going to her work, due to aforementioned pain.
hooked father up with my trusty pirated versions of 07 office and cs3. found some old pictures of me at age 15-16. Its funny. On the one hand I can now look at those and be like, 'yeah, i was fucked in the head, nothing wrong with the shape of my body at that weight at all'
on the other hand, there is no way i could let myself gain weight to get to the equivalent of what i weighed then even now without losing my shit completely. not because i think that i would look fat, objectively, but simply...it is only at this one narrow range of shape/size that I am able to feel comfortable in my body, that is how it is, and well.
some things change, some things stay the same i suppose.
eating is what it always is, here. that's about all i feel like saying on that topic at the moment...