I really do need to chill with this whole, aggressively puke-emptying my stomach at all hours of day and night thing, bah.
Yay for kitty cuddles though. I have so missed my dear kitty.
sometimes i wish i knew how to be anything but utterly self-destructive, in just about any way imaginable.
sometimes. and sometimes i stare at my veins, bright blue lines i can trace from hands up arms and shoulders and chest and feel nothing at all.
and i perhaps i don't, most of the time, not really. because how can you put any real effort into not being self-destructive when it is, in fact, what you want. how can you make yourself eat and keep the food down and not do stupid shit, because it is so bad for you, when every day at some point you find the same thought crossing your mind again and again and again... wishing, longing that you could just die already...
there are limits. you can make yourself not act on that thought, not do anything drastic and major, sure, but there are limits and in the small habitual ways, day to day, the not sleeping not eating getting dehydrated picking at skin until you bleed etc etc...there are limits, serious limits, when you cannot make yourself care about any of it, perhaps intellectually but not emotionally, not really.
I will be twenty six on friday and birthdays are always depressing even when i try not to care, in large part because yeah, i never expected to live this long and cannot help but think - why? why am i still here, taking up space, being useless and miserable day after day, same song and dance as forever ago...
So, my pants/long skirts (which finally warm enough to wear again, yay) are looser on me than usual, and in this case I suppose that means at least a bit of weight lost, even if I still cannot really see that difference. THe one bit of dysmorphic vision I suppose I do have: I don't think I'm fat, and i'm fine with my current body/size, and think I see it about the same others do, more or less, but while I quickly notice any bit of weight gained, its hard for me to SEE that I've lost any, unless its really a more significant amount.
Mostly, the depression + the ED coming together in an odd for me way. Too depressed to be bothered to eat, to the point where sometimes its like, severe hunger feelings and i'm just like 'meh' because too blah to give a fuck. Not in the mood to eat, making food takes too much effort, etc. And of course, a good part of the time, when i do, its only to throw it back up again. I don't really binge and purge the way I used to, with massive amounts of food, and yet. The purging always sticks around regardless.
So yeah. The looser pants really is annoying, but like everything else, meh. Too depressed to care. Stupid, and yet. Story of my life I suppose. It's just a bit ironic because like, all the i want to starve myself I want to lose weight when I was younger and now its just like...I am not even trying to do that, not in that sense. Just, too depressed to want to eat, too depressed to care when my body protests, and well. Also, less regular, convenient access to starbucks these days so even the whole, starbucks diet thing is offsetting it less than it used to. Eh.
how quickly surroundings can shift to reflect inner insanity
and i get overwhelmed by simple things. phone calls, voicemails.
sleep fail again. ceaseless crazy, too crazy to function it feels like.
wish i was dead. a constant feeling these days. but well.
can't always have what you want, when you want it.
and i complain too much.
repetitive blah blah blah.
So, decided to try to get back in the habit of writing regularly here. It really is useful. When I dont it is harder to process my thoughts and feelings,so they whirl and whirl around in my head and that makes things more difficult,so yeah.
Decided to try to keep to a more regular schedule,but not necessarily one that is the typical default. As in,there is no need for me to make myself wake up early in the morning if I have no job or class to get to, and maybe if I let myself follow one more suited to my natural proclivities it will help with being more productive and thus hopefully eventually finding something at which point I can re-adjust as needed.
So, thinking of setting a firm wakeup time at 10-11am and going to sleep so as to aim for 6-7 hour per night sleep average. See how that would go.
Anyway,want to take advantage of DC while I still can. Moving out has been established for end of June, notice given, parents have met D., etc. Not that I'll be very far from, but yeah. And, as long as I get stuff done, who cares when I do it...like only going to store now at 7pm cos got caught up reading a book but so what? Everything I need is still open. I have enough challenges to my functionality without trying to keep a schedule that is not natural for me too.
Have a lot of mixed feelings and thoughts about the move, but will save that for when I am not writing entry on my phone, methinks.
Need to catch up on many different things, gah, but yeah. It's easier when I have a bit of a Plan which this is...
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
so, moving at the end of june. rather mixed feelings about that. apprehension on various levels. logistics blah.
went to balticon saturday, which was cool. played a few cool board games, most notably one called Eldritch Horror based on lovecraft stuff...there were 7 players and it ended up taking 6 hours...for a cooperative game which we lost, lol. But was quite fun.
epic struggle to get my adderall rx filled last week, finally got it after my doctor made a bunch of calls for me. insurance nonsense. kinda because of that, have been taking less even now that i have it hoping to readjust my tolerance or store some up at least, since i seem to be pretty useless whether i take full dose or half. that is when i remember to take at all. dose of fetzima got raised to 60mg. still not much to report positive or negative. still pondering my theories as to how my brain responds to various transmitter based chemicals...
also realized pokebank was out, so been playing pokemon again.
not digging the intense heat/humidity.and, of course, still need to be less useless.
I keep meaning to respond to the comments on previous post and then just....not having the mental energy i guess. But, kittens are always awesome :]
Just feel...really worthless, useless, constantly. And physically pretty crap too.
ED behaviors quite bad indeed lately. Makes sense seeing as I'm rather losing my mind. Resorted to puking water, just water, a couple days ago because just...yeah.
Not good. Things in general mostly...not good. Apathy about that. etc.
Also HATE new lj format. >.>