So I went to the DC VegFest today for the first time since moving down here. Every year I meant to but something came up, or I forgot the date until it was too late, etc.
So, did I enjoy the many vegan vendors, the rare plethora of vegan snacks, packaged products, etc available to sample, the many stalls of baked goods and various vegan meals of all sorts one could buy and try?
Nope, nope, nope. Spent the train ride down crying for stupid reasons of frustration that I cannot go a single day without being a fuckup about something, because forgetfulness, missed train, late. By the time I got there it was already hot and crowded and just...getting progressively more upset as I got hotter and more thirsty, too upset to contemplate eating anything at all. The vegan Caribbean place i love even had a stall and I just...couldn't deal with even trying to eat anything. Plus too many lines I had no patience to stand on everywhere. I just walked around by myself, looked at all the cool stuff I'm too fucked up to partake in, and left sooner than I'd planned. Retreated to starbucks for my second soy beverage of the day there because why yes, the Starbucks Diet, it never does get old.
I miss living in Boston sometimes. I even miss a year ago when i still had grad school stuff to keep me somewhat sane and grounded. I miss Tunisia most of all. Listened to one of my arabic audiobooks the other day while hanging around in Barnes and Noble and started crying there too because i'm slowly forgetting it all, losing all that progress I'd worked so hard for, because I fear I will never go anywhere that far again and I'm just so tired of being alive and useless and I don't know how long I can do this for, because every day I just want to end it all more and more and more.
I continue being utterly useless waste of space that gets nothing done. My teeth are falling apart and I lose my shite when it comes to make a simple phone call.
Unfortunate too that trying to get insurance through affordable care act requires many many phone calls over and over again with no effect. Hardly taking meds at all any more because I haven't been able to fill in almost two months and thus rationing mindset in full effect. Not that I don't have my hoard but well.
In some ways it was easier before when it was just do whatever I'm going to do and choosing to give up on everything was an easier option. Then I could just go, oh well might just off myself next week anyway why not take a while bunch of meds and see what happens. But given current circumstances... I don't know. All my coping mechanisms and tricks to make myself function were adapted for different circumstances and I don't know what to do in these. Other than be utterly self destructively useless.
wish i was dead
wish i was dead
wish i was dead
wish i was dead
that is pretty much the sum of what i am capable of feeling like 90% of the time these days.
did my presentation at the tarot group meetup today, about mixing and matching tarot and other types of decks and stuff in readings. my public speaking skills are never great, but it didn't go badly at all. surprising kinda considering i waited till last moment to do prep, and was super stressed about it/dreading that it would be a disaster. mostly just drew on stuff from old blog posts on my tarot blog back when i actually used to do stuff and not suck, but yeah. people seemed to enjoy it.
there was this dude there that has apparently been in the group for while but we've never been at meeting at same time before. bit of a 'i really like to talk about all the stuff i know all about' type, but he does tarot stuff professionally, works as a publisher, used to work in some gov't related stuff, etc. he was interested in hearing more about my reading ideas (had to step out to take a call during part of presentation), liked the lenormand i put together (so did others, kind of got some motivation to redo it in publishable resolution again, will see how long that lasts...) and had some useful job searching advice, and some other possible working together stuff (i mentioned my love of trimming borders off decks, he offered to give me a copy of a deck his company prints from a defective print run which they can't sell unless it was trimmed, then when i mentioned I actually enjoyed the trimming process mentioned possibly discussing some kind of, paying me to trim some of those decks they have, etc) so yeah, might meet up with him to talk stuff at some point.
did annoy me a lot at one point when, after he asked, mentioned i was vegan and he goes off on a 'that is not healthy unless you have tons of money blah blah' mansplaining type of thing which was so not factually correct at all, but I hate even trying to argue with those kinds of people because what is the point when the other person's attitude is all 'i am right and you are wrong blah blah'. Also i found the whole thing pretty hilariously ridiculous because its like hey dude, even if you were right about veganism being less healthy/necessarily more expensive (which it is NOT, granted me being eating disordered and very picky eater makes me less than great example, but if your only criteria is reasonably healthy and vegan, no it is not) so what? It's moral issue for me. Not only are meat/dairy etc gross to me at this point, but dude, MORAL ISSUE. Even if it is less convenient/more of a personal challenge/whatever, so what? People could do all kinds of fucked up things to make their lives easier, and most people don't, because they don't feel right doing it. Paying the bills would be easier if you just stole from friends and family, wouldn't it? But most people don't, because doing that feels, to them, MORALLY WRONG. Even if it didn't disgust me, just going 'oh well fuck it, why not just support industries that horrifically mistreat and abuse and kill millions and millions of animals constantly, animals that I think are awesome/cute/amusing/deserving of chance at a decent life' because it's EASIER, when alternative is clearly doable since i've been doing it for years and years? why would i do that?
that is why i just can't get former vegans who claim to have done it for ethical reasons, then changed their minds. not caring/prioritizing that enough to go veggie/vegan I can get. Doing it for 'health reasons'/to please significant other/because it was trendy and giving it up later i can get. If you have serious health issues that it exacerbates, i can get. But just...if you claim you care enough to make that commitment in the first place, because you care, how do you just wake up one day and be like 'yeah, intelligent, sensitive, cute awesome animals spent their entire lives in utter misery (solely to increase the profits of companies run by rich people who already have more money than I/most people I know will ever see) only to be killed, chopped into bits and packaged for convenience, and I know this, but actually, whatever, being able to grab a burger at any fast food place i happen to pass for cheap is so easy, that clearly is most important here? Just...don't get.
And yeah, did I say any of that? noo, because I don't believe in antagonizing people by challenging their lifestyle/dietary choices unless they initiate a discussion in that vein, but you know, whatever.
that said, not a deal breaker to associating with the dude, just more of a, if i interact with him in the future discussions of the topic will be shut down quickly, kind of thing.
Anyway, yeah, that was my saturday i suppose.
It would be interesting to compile a list of words/phrases that can be used as shortcuts for identifying racist/sexist/otherwise bigoted idiots, ie cues for, well, you've just lost any respect/benefit of the doubt from me, you did. whatever comes out of your mouth (or keyboard, as the case may be), I will not be paying any mind.
I think today's candidate is "the race card". I cannot recall one instance of a person bringing up "the race card", almost always in an accusatory, dismissive/condescending fashion, that was not full of bullshit. It really is another version of "I'm not racist, but..."
Not only do people who use that kind of phrase have really fucked up views, they also tend to argue them in a way that's really demeaning/belittling to those they are arguing with. 'Blah blah blah, race card, blah blah and i know all the things better than you do and blah blah blah none of your experiences matter because i know better blah blah blah'.
Eh, eating disorder has been getting rather ridiculous lately - not a terrible suprise, but not great, I suppose. Hard to keep much of anything down, starbucks diet excepted.
did find the most amazing carribean food in the food court of union station yesterday though. SPICY jerk 'chicken' (I think its tofu based, but texture was a bit different than ordinary block tofu), really yummy (even to non-vegans) vegan mac and cheese, etc. They have a rotating menu, vegan and non-vegan entrees clearly labeled, sides are mostly vegan, etc. Apparently they have phlouri but only on fridays. Just...really yummy, really easy to get vegan options, seperate from the non-vegan stuff, and yeah. I haven't had jerk anything in maybe a decade. Back before I became vegan and lost touch with Saleema, she introduced me to all kinds of awesome stuff. Her dad was from trinidad, she'd found cool trinadadian food on staten island, good times. Her ma's jerk chicken was what first sparked my love of all things spicy as fuck back in elementary school, even (my mother, very much not a spicy food person...).
Brings back good memories/nostalgia, and definitely not the usual 'blah vegan alternative' fare. Plus the price is really good...one 'small' portion is easily enough for two people [without eating disorders] and in my case, leftover still. Seriously plotting getting 2 meals next time I'm there as a kind of 'stocking up on food for next few days kinda thing' ha. Maybe.
Speaking of spicy things, have also developed a bit of an obsession with Sriracha recently after having some with broccoli week ago or so. I do like my extreme flavors I guess.
Body has gotten so out of the habit of actually digesting things though. I actually ate the carribean food I ate yesterday evening, and objectively I did not eat all that much of it, and still feel quite full at almost noon the next day >.<
Other than that, same old same old, fail fail fail...
What am I really?
constant sadness without cause.
A self-destructive dance
that only ever spins around in circles.
Binge and purge, eat and purge,
drink water and purge.
Physical hunger kicks in,
cycle gets worse, puke more -
We know this song and dance well, yes.
Become hermit, get nothing done, waste space.
And yet people insist:
keep going, keep living, keep breathing.
So I do. Teeth keep rotting, falling apart,
scars expand, stretch farther across skin.
What difference does it all make?
An end to this all would be a relief.
Instead I am...still here.
That is all. I exist.